Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.－小豬人妻日記

photo source: www.china.janjan.jp/special/0803/0803270941/1.php

Love the sharing from madamed's blog of wisdom of life. Particularly like the clause "Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need" which is exactly what I need to achieve now.

I am unbelievable lucky in my life. Every time when I was in trouble, there were always people around to give me a hand, sometimes my mom, sometimes my sister or my friends and sometimes even strangers.

I remember there was a time I was alone, crying so hard on the street because I screwed up my TOEFL. I believe that I didn't only screwed up an exam but also my life so my tears were unstoppable. I looked up on the sky and crying and hoping if there is someone could help me. I believed none. My cell phone was ringing, it was my sister, I couldn't answer it because I was crying so hard and I didn't want her to know I am a loser. I was sitting at the corner, tears covering my face. I knew I must looked pathetic and worthless. There was a mid-age woman walked by me and gave me a look. She keep walking to the traffic light and waited there for the traffic light to turn and suddenly she turned back to me, reach my hand, and pull me up from the street. She said "follow me" and took me a block away into a temple which is the "善導寺". She took me into the kitchen and gave me a peeler and a bucket of carrots and asked me to peel all the carrots. I started to peel all those carrots one by one and after I finished the whole bucket I found that I’ve stop crying already. I looked around the kitchen she was not there, she must left long time ago and I even don’t know her name and don’t have a chance to say thank you to her. But I knew who she is in my heart, she is 觀世音菩薩. Believe it or not, but I knew it.

TOEFL didn't screw me and I was lucky enough to have an admission from graduate school of Syracuse University. This is a gift from 觀世音菩薩. A gift better than I deserve it. After a year I even got a scholarship which grated 1800 USD/ month to support me through my PhD. I didn't finish my PhD by some reason, but that is another story.

I do have everything I need, but my heart is empty and I still feel envy a lot. There is an endless black hole in my heart and suck me to hopeless. How ridiculous I am ! I wonder what's wrong with me? People should envy me not I envy people! And I realize it is my ego. I should know it long time ago. I should know that what other people think of me is none of mine business and what really matter is what I think of myself.

It's a jouney of love and I hope I can love as much as I can. I hope I can keep reaching to God and Keep knowing love is the only thing we need. My life is blessed, is abundant and it would be better if I can love more!